A
paragraph from my light bulb moment document and some examples from my life.
Paragraph - She undermines.
Your
accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit
for them.
Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is
ignored or diminished.
Any time you are to be center stage and there is no
opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the
occasion altogether, or she doesn't come, or she leaves early, or she acts like
it's no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding
comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn't as
much as you could have done or as you think it is.
No matter what your
success, she has to take you down a peg about it”.
I Write
& Publish a Book
I write a
book and send her a copy in the mail. No response. Next time I visit she hands
me the copy, which she has gone through with a fine-toothed comb and some
sticky-notes to mark up the typos, mistakes, incorrect grammar (according to
her) and where there is room for improvement.
Me: What
did you do that for?
Her: That’s
why you sent it to me isn’t it? What did you expect?
Me: Ummm…congratulations?
Her: That
goes without saying. Anyway, you can take the feedback or not, up to you.
Me: It’s
been published, I can’t change anything.
Her: Well
that’s unfortunate (cue to her walking away and me standing gobsmacked).
In My
First Big Relationship I Get Hurt
Badly.
Pulled apart, abused and left in a heap with more pain and grief than I know
what to do with.
Her: I
really thought you’d cope out there.
Me: Out
where? What do you mean?
Her: I
thought you’d cope out in the world. But you can’t (cue to her walking away and
me standing desolate feeling like the abuse was my fault and I was a complete
loser).
Getting
My Period
Scene: the
laundry room.
Her: I
noticed blood on your pants. Did you get your period?
Me: Yes.
Her: Wash
them in cold water immediately and change your tampon at least three times a
day because from now on you will smell.
Getting My First A at College
Scene:
the kitchen where she is sitting with a friend when I get home.
Me: Hey
Mum I got my first A.
Her: Stop.
Later okay.
Later…
Her: Don’t
big note yourself in front of people. They are not interested.
Opening
Night of My Coffee
Shop Art
Gallery
(Within
very close proximity to me whilst screaming in a stage whisper)
Her to
exhibiting artist’s mother: You must be so proud of your daughter, an
exhibition is such an achievement.
Her to my
business partner’s mother: You should be so proud of him, the design of the
place is brilliant.
Her to
me: You are so lucky you had (business partner) to help, he has done a
brilliant job and you could not have done it without him.
To me privately: Nada.
To me privately: Nada.
On Getting My Degree
Her: You were the only one that did it out of the lot of you.
Me: I suppose so.
Her: Keep in mind it wasn’t a very academic course.
My
Graduation Ceremony
She picks
me up from my flat in King Street
My
Fortieth Birthday
Scene:
She cajoles and manipulates until I agree to change the party from our house to
her house. A few days the party:
Me: What
do you mean you aren’t coming?
Her: It’s
a racing day, we’ll show up when we can.
My 21st
Birthday Photo Album and Guest Book
Me: Can I
have my 21st album please.
Her: No.
Me: Why,
it’s mine?
Her: No
it’s not, I threw the party.
Oh dear, that’s
enough I think. My time is better spent rewiring the thought processes she
instilled in me rather than rehashing them any further.
If you want to read the light bulb document go here
As the black sheep of my family I realised early on that my Momster not only controlled my father, siblings, ex-wife and children on what they could think and do but she also tried to touch me up for $5k before I completely broke off all contact - and she made sure she took my siblings, ex-wife and children with her. I was devastated.
ReplyDeleteThank god for my father. his couple of visits every year made life worth living. I managed to bungle through a number of years full of depression, bad decision making, Self prescribing and general despair - even money meant nothing - and believe me, I earn't a lot.
That was 14 years ago, sadly dad passed this year but I have a 13 year old daughter and no job from my bungling along and as a sole parent have to continue on. But I am happier now.
Many times I broke off contact with Momster, she always managed to squirm her way back in enough to control the people around me from 1986 to 2002 - if you could have only seen what my momster was doing to me you might have seen the similarities in your situation.
Matriarchal is supposedly the word, but you are more correct - the conduct is straight out abuse with vengeance.
Dont harbour hate, it is a feeling that burns and hurts, become completely indifferent - I couldn't care less what my momster is doing and I feel heaps better for it, but it took me a while, especially knowing I missed seeing my kids grow older than 8 and 9, but even that passes especially now they are old enough to do their own thing.
Momster taking them from me was the catalyst for my depression and subsequent downfall - but I have a selfish, smart arse, teenager that I wouldn't give up for a second chance, so my lot is a happy one.
Whats happened, has happened, Make yourself happy, then the people around you can be happy! But don't spend one minute more than you have to - around or thinking about - anyone who makes you unhappy.